如何打破咒語並讓自己自由

如何打破咒語並讓自己自由
圖片由 ATDSPHOTO 

我們需要檢查使我們著迷的咒語,並在它們阻礙我們時破壞它們。 咒語是毫無疑問,未被消化和不受挑戰的言語,行為和判斷。 可能是醫生通知您您有三個月的生命,一個朋友說您的婚姻行不通,您的思想告訴您您永遠找不到成功,或者是占星家說您的未來注定要失敗。 它們與我們的潛意識融合在一起,是我們某些最沉重的生活方式的根本原因。

At a societal level we become hypnotized by the news, becoming obsessed by the issue of the day.在社會層面上,我們被新聞迷住了,對今天的新聞迷戀了。 Pro or anti, who's right and who's wrong?贊成還是反對,誰對誰錯? A mob mentality can form because people unquestioningly parrot the opinions fed to them by the media.之所以會形成暴民的心態,是因為人們毫無疑問地會歪曲媒體提供給他們的意見。

努力成為有意識的人和自我反省的意願,是擺脫這種編織成自己靈魂的詭詐魔咒統治的唯一方法。

體驗憤怒,傷害,背叛……然後繼續前進

At a micro level we may tell ourselves that our mother and father ruined our lives.從微觀上講,我們可能會告訴自己,我們的父母毀了我們的生活。 On the first weekend of my first group therapy training, a woman did a role play in which she shrieked abuse at the participant playing her mother.在我的首次團體治療培訓的第一個週末,一位女士扮演了角色扮演,在扮演母親的參與者中尖叫虐待。 Her pain was visceral, her anger was magnificent.她的內心痛苦,憤怒極了。 I was impressed by her ability to plumb the depths of her history.她深刻探究她歷史的能力給我留下了深刻的印象。 However, at the end of two years of group work she was still trotting out the same fury, and her belief that her mother was the architect of her misfortune had not altered one bit.然而,在小組工作的兩年結束時,她仍在狂奔,而對母親是不幸的建築師的信念並沒有改變。

We need to experience our anger, hurt and betrayals, but if at some point we are unable to move on from our screaming child inside and integrate them with our internal adult, the pain will hold us endlessly in its thrall.我們需要經歷憤怒,傷害和背叛,但是如果在某個時候我們無法擺脫尖叫的孩子進入內部並將其與內部成年人融為一體,那麼痛苦將無休止地困擾著我們。 We might gain temporary relief and catharsis, but we'll never truly break the spell.我們可能會獲得暫時的緩解和宣洩,但我們永遠不會真正打破魔咒。

When we blame parents or politicians, we are powerless in the face of a spell.當我們責怪父母或政客時,面對咒語,我們無能為力。 We need to face our history and patterning with an open mind and heart and be willing to reframe our future.我們需要以開放的思想和胸懷面對歷史和格局,並願意重塑我們的未來。 As a child, we had few choices, but as adults we have to find our way into responsibility, understanding, acceptance and a willingness to move on.小時候,我們別無選擇,但是成年後,我們必須找到責任,理解,接受和繼續前進的道路。

標籤可以施放遠距離咒語

The language we use around mental health is particularly potent and casts far-reaching spells.我們在心理健康方面使用的語言特別有效,並會產生深遠的影響。 To be told by a doctor, a person of power, someone you trust implicitly, that you are “schizophrenic” or “bipolar”, have a “depressive” or “trauma-related illness”, is to permanently affect your image of yourself.由醫生告訴您,一個有權力的人,您暗中信任的人,您是“精神分裂症”或“雙相情感障礙”,患有“抑鬱症”或“創傷相關疾病”,將永久性地影響您的自我形象。 This is a profound theme at the Compassionate Mental Health gatherings.這是富有同情心的精神健康聚會的一個深刻主題。 Many of the facilitators there had received a mental health diagnosis.那裡的許多主持人都接受了心理健康診斷。 They had often unconsciously embraced the terminology given to them by their doctors or psychiatrists and become the very essence of schizophrenia or bipolar or multiple personality disorder, almost as if, once labelled, they transformed into the dictionary definition of their “illness” and had little insight into how to reclaim their noble selves.他們經常不知不覺地接受了醫生或精神病醫生給他們的術語,並成為精神分裂症或躁鬱症或多發性人格障礙的本質,幾乎就像一旦被貼上標籤,就變成了字典中關於“疾病”的定義,幾乎沒有洞悉如何收回自己的崇高自我。


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At an early meeting I attended, one of the presenters invited all of us to refuse to use labels around mental ill health.在我參加的一個早期會議上,一位主持人邀請我們所有人拒絕在精神病患者周圍使用標籤。 I ran a workshop called “Telling Our Stories”, where I encouraged participants to tell the uncensored version of their lives with the intention of meeting them with love and acceptance, wherever they may be.我舉辦了一個名為“講述我們的故事”的講習班,在此我鼓勵參與者告訴他們未經審查的生活,以期使他們無論身在何處都充滿愛與接納。 As I listened to them share their rawest and most painful stories, crucially當我聽他們分享最原始和最痛苦的故事時 沒有標籤或解釋 房間裡的每個人都對他們充滿了希望和樂觀,並且一些強大的咒語被大大削弱了。

One man who had been labelled sexually abusive by a professional was able to recognize that this was untrue, and the terrible weight that he'd carried for years, thinking that he was a monster, had lightened in a moment.一個被專業人士貼上性虐待標籤的男人能夠認識到這是不正確的,而多年來他以為自己是怪物的巨大重量減輕了一下。 He became someone who could look people in the eyes and dare to speak his complex truth, knowing he would be met with compassion.他成為一個可以看著別人的眼睛,敢於說出他復雜的真理的人,知道他會遇到同情心。

We are so keen to categorize.我們是如此熱衷於分類。 We rarely realize that to declare someone schizophrenic often means adding an extra layer of weight on top of whatever struggle is going on inside them.我們很少意識到,宣布某人患有精神分裂症通常意味著在他們內部發生的任何掙扎之上增加額外的重量。 Labels are not useless – used with the right intention they do not have to cast spells.標籤不是沒有用的-正確使用它們並不一定要施法。 But what I am pointing out is that by creating a box to fit something in, and shutting someone in that box, there is little room for ever getting free.但是我要指出的是,通過創建一個可以容納某些物品的盒子,然後將某個人關在盒子裡,免費獲得的餘地很小。

奧斯卡

Oscar's behaviour was weird and his relationships lacked boundaries.奧斯卡的行為很奇怪,他的關係也沒有界限。 He would make inappropriate comments to women.他會對女性發表不恰當的評論。 He would fall asleep in the therapy room while someone else was working.當其他人在工作時,他會在治療室裡入睡。 His feedback was long, rambling and disconnected.他的反饋很長,雜亂無章。 He was so desperate to be liked that he presented a false, people-pleasing persona, again and again.他非常渴望被別人喜歡,以至於他一次又一次地表現出一種虛假的,令人愉悅的角色。 He smiled a lot, even if he was disengaged.即使他脫離了,他也笑了很多。

During the course of one of my groups Oscar was diagnosed with ADHD.在我的一個小組中,奧斯卡被診斷出患有多動症。 He was palpably relieved.他鬆了一口氣。 At last, there was an identifiable reason he did what he did!最後,有一個明顯的原因他做了他所做的!

“我有多動症,”他微笑著,好像一切都很好。 The group were having none of it.這群人一無所有。 They refused to let him hide behind his label, meeting his excuses with an unshakeable wall of tough love.他們拒絕讓他躲在自己的標籤後面,以堅不可摧的堅硬愛情牆為他辯解。

This was hard on Oscar.這對奧斯卡來說很難。 He kicked and screamed, and almost left the group.他踢了起來,尖叫著,幾乎離開了小組。 He felt he'd been given a free pass with his diagnosis.他覺得他的診斷得到了免費通行證。 His behavioural traits had become justified.他的行為特徵已變得合理。 He had tantrums, he got angry, he cried, he was self-pitying.他發脾氣,他生氣,他哭了,他很自負。 None of it worked.沒有一個起作用。

This is not a criticism of an ADHD diagnosis.這不是對ADHD診斷的批評。 In Oscar's case he was using it to disclaim responsibility for his actions.在奧斯卡的案子中,他使用它來否認自己的行為負責。 The group fought long and hard to engage with him for who he is, and to challenge him to make the learnings that were necessary in order to hold himself to account.小組為與他的身份進行長期而艱苦的交往,並挑戰他進行必要的學習以使自己承擔責任。 To give Oscar credit, over time, he tentatively released his label.為了贏得奧斯卡獎,他隨著時間的推移暫時釋放了自己的品牌。 By the end of the year, he had made the choice to take himself on.到今年年底,他已經選擇了繼續前進。

He began to recognize the moment of activation of his blame pattern.他開始意識到自己的責備模式已經開始。 Rather than try to be liked, he forced himself to be more real.他沒有試圖被別人喜歡,而是強迫自己變得更加真實。 He would catch himself and refrain from speaking the inappropriate comment.他會抓緊自己,避免發表不恰當的評論。 Interestingly, and seemingly coincidentally, his marriage also improved, and although Oscar couldn't correlate the two, it was clear to me that what goes on in the group also manifests in the outside world.有趣的是,似乎是巧合的是,他的婚姻也得到了改善,儘管奧斯卡無法將兩者聯繫起來,但對我而言,很明顯,該團體中發生的事情也體現在外部世界上。

奧斯卡意識到,在任何時候,他都可以選擇放棄責任,表現出同齡人,同齡人,或者對自己的行為承擔責任並打破他稱之為多動症的強大咒語。

丹尼斯

Denise was in her early sixties when she joined one of my groups.丹妮絲(Denise)六十多歲時加入了我的一個小組。 She constantly smiled.她不斷微笑。 According to her, everything was fine and dandy.據她說,一切都很好,花花公子。 She insisted that life was easy and working well.她堅持認為生活很輕鬆,工作得很好。 Negativity didn't get a look in.負面因素沒有引起關注。

She was highly attractive as a teenager, and still is, and had enjoyed her looks and sexuality, having many relationships and two marriages.她在十幾歲時就非常有吸引力,現在依然如此,並且喜歡她的外表和性生活,有很多人際關係和兩次婚姻。 In the early stages of the group she showed up as flirtatious and full of bonhomie.在小組的早期階段,她表現為輕浮,充滿善意。 She was seductive, often giggling and speaking in a feathery and soft vocal intonation (especially when speaking to the men).她很誘人,經常咯咯地笑著,以羽毛狀柔和的語調說話(特別是在與男人說話時)。 She usually wore provocative clothing.她通常穿著挑釁的衣服。

She was driven by her sexuality.她受到性慾的驅使。 She naturally charmed and seduced people, which brought her a temporary sense of power and engagement.她很自然地吸引和誘惑著人們,這給她帶來了暫時的力量和參與感。 However, in my opinion, allowing her sexy sub-personality to take the lead meant she avoided any dialogue that might have depth and didn't have to truly engage with others.但是,在我看來,讓她性感的次要人物擔任領導角色意味著她避免了任何可能有深度的對話,而不必與他人真正互動。 There was so much more to her than that.她所能做的比這還多。

“I love being sexy and I love having sex,” she used to say.她曾經說:“我喜歡性感,也喜歡做愛。” But as we age, the currency of our sexuality becomes, of necessity, less important.但是隨著年齡的增長,性別的重要性變得越來越不重要。 Something in her must have known that she needed to find alternative avenues.她的某些事​​情一定知道她需要尋找其他途徑。

Her marriages were unhappy because sex can only carry you so far.她的婚姻很不幸,因為性生活只能將你帶走。 Her husbands were strong men, whom she supported loyally, but both were threatened by her power and intelligence.她的丈夫是強壯的男人,她一直忠心支持,但都受到她的力量和智慧的威脅。 Both men took her for granted, and while her first husband was physically abusive, her second, on occasions, was verbally so, which held her back from living her true potential.這兩個男人都把她視為理所當然,而她的第一任丈夫身體上受辱,而她的第二任丈夫有時口頭上如此,這使她無法發揮自己的真正潛力。

As William Blake states, “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.”正如威廉·布萊克(William Blake)所說:“過度之路通向智慧之宮。” She had lived out this part of herself until it had become untenable.她一直活在自己的這一部分,直到變得難以忍受。 Things came to a head when one day in the group she received some strong feedback from another woman.當小組中的某天,她收到另一位女士的強烈反饋時,事情就開始浮躁。

“我不明白。 You're so inauthentic.你真是虛偽I don't care about this 'I'm so sexy' thing.我不在乎“我是如此性感”。 You've got a lot going on.你有很多事情要做。 Why won't you let us in?”你為什麼不讓我們進來?”

然後我向她挑戰:“你戴著口罩和披風–你在躲什麼?”

She burst into tears, cried for a while, and once she'd let go she let us know some of her struggles.她哭了起來,哭了一會兒,一旦放手,她就讓我們知道了她的一些掙扎。 Since she was a child, Denise had trained herself not to show any tears or anger, especially as her mother had suffered from a few breakdowns and she felt responsible for her.自從她還是個孩子以來,丹妮絲就訓練自己不要流淚或發怒,尤其是因為她的母親遭受了幾次崩潰,她覺得對她負責。 As the eldest of three children, she'd been the bedrock of her family.作為三個孩子中的老大,她一直是家庭的基石。 What she'd just done was unheard of for her.她剛剛做的事對她來說是聞所未聞的。

Soon after this sharing, her second husband died.分享之後不久,她的第二任丈夫去世了。 She then developed some heart problems and was shaken to the core.然後她出現了一些心臟問題,並被震撼到了核心。 He had been the love of her life, and although he hadn't always treated her well, there had been a real heart connection between them.他一直是她一生的摯愛,儘管他並不總是善待她,但兩者之間卻有著真正的內心聯繫。 Although they had split up twelve years earlier, their love had never died.儘管他們早在十二年前就分手了,但他們的愛情從未消失。 On his deathbed, he said, “If I could have changed anything in my marriage, I would have allowed you to be yourself.”他在臨終時說:“如果我能改變我的婚姻中的任何事情,我本可以讓你成為自己的。” This powerful loss propelled her into showing more of her emotions.這種巨大的損失促使她表現出更多的情緒。

在打破扮演性感,幸福的女人的咒語時,她意識到自己的感覺不僅可以接受,而且可以使自己對她不知不覺中渴望的內心深處敞開。

She formed close friendships within the group and engaged with creative pursuits that had always been a part of her life.她在小組內部建立了密切的友誼,並從事創造性的追求,這一直是她生活的一部分。 Once her veils had been removed and her confidence in her achievements grew, she was propelled forward into becoming a professional sculptor.一旦除去了面紗,對成就的信心就增強了,她就被推動成為一名專業雕塑家。

Fascinatingly, her sculptures were all sensual images, and they were beautiful.令人著迷的是,她的雕塑都是感官形象,而且很漂亮。 She had managed to bring her sexuality into a different sphere and to use it in a way that was nourishing for herself and others.她設法將自己的性行為帶入另一個領域,並以一種對自己和他人有益的方式加以利用。

Denise learned to respect her vulnerability.丹妮絲學會了尊重她的脆弱性。 Her fear had been that if she showed her weakness she would be rejected.她擔心如果她表現出自己的弱點,她會被拒絕。 She had reached her sixties without ever really showing her true depths to another human being.她已經六十多歲了,卻從未真正向另一個人展示過自己的真實深度。 She told me: “My heart problems changed the course of my life.”她告訴我:“我的心臟疾病改變了我的生活。”

在不知道為什麼加入該團體的情況下,她完成了自己的舞台,在這個舞台上她可以成為自己的完整自我,經過漫長而充滿挑戰但充滿愛意的過程,她蓬勃發展。

練習:識別並打破法術

您認為會導致您感到不適和困擾的故事是什麼?

您對別人的故事有什麼看法,這些故事會讓您感到被他人的行為所害?

您遇到的挑戰中反復出現的主題是什麼?

哪個問題反復出現?

Write down five of these stories.寫下其中的五個故事。 Choose the ones that have the most charge for you, those you respond to with strong emotion or avoidance.選擇對您來說收費最高的那些,您以強烈的情感或迴避來應對的那些。

寫下您做出決定的時間,這些決定受這些負面信念的影響,您可以通過任何方式看到它們使您的生活更加困難。

您可能做了什麼不同的事情?

Once you have listed everything, choose a different set of beliefs for each challenge.列出所有內容後,為每個挑戰選擇不同的信念。 Imagine you are a film director.想像你是電影導演。 You are creating a heroic character, a true warrior, and what he understands is that life is not a series of blessings and curses, but a series of challenges.您正在創造一個英雄人物,一個真正的戰士,而他所理解的是,生活不是一系列的祝福和詛咒,而是一系列的挑戰。 It is our own labels that impact us and act like kryptonite, weakening our self-belief and our capacity to fully live.正是我們自己的標籤影響著我們並像k石一樣行事,削弱了我們的自信心和我們充分生活的能力。

For example, if you believe your wife or husband doesn't love you, and therefore see yourself in a loveless marriage, notice the ways in which they show their appreciation and their love.例如,如果您認為您的妻子或丈夫不愛您,因此看到自己陷入無情的婚姻,請注意他們表現出欣賞和愛意的方式。 Keep a keen eye out for that which you ignore and fail to value.留意那些您忽略和無法重視的事物。

If you believe that your work is unsatisfying, make a list of the things that are essential in order for you to live a fulfilled work life, and then examine what it's possible for you to change.如果您認為自己的工作不盡如人意,請列出一些必要的事項,以使您過上充實的工作生活,然後研究您有什麼可能改變。 Allow yourself to ruthlessly look the issues straight in the eye, and decide whether you need to start searching for a different place to use your skills.讓自己無情地直視問題,並決定是否需要開始尋找另一個使用技能的地方。

如果您認為自己的性生活不足,並且您有伴侶,則敢於與他們進行坦誠的交談,以了解有效的方法以及您需要改變的內容。

Break the spell of same-old, same-old.打破同樣古老的咒語。 Make a pledge with yourself to let in your new set of beliefs, and make them a practice.做出自己的保證,讓您接受新的信念,並將其付諸實踐。 Consider what support you need in order to do that.考慮一下您需要什麼支持才能做到這一點。

Practice consciousness around your judgements.圍繞您的判斷練習意識。 Every time you make a judgement about something, be vigilant.每當您對某件事做出判斷時,請保持警惕。 Ask yourself whether that judgement is accurate or not.問問自己這個判斷是否正確。 Be willing to loosen your tight grip on that belief.願意放鬆對這一信念的控制。

For example, you might think, “I'm fat.”例如,您可能會認為“我很胖”。 But但 you fat?你胖? Are you unhealthily overweight?您不健康地超重嗎? If so, then are you willing to take on a practice that can change that spell?如果是這樣,那麼您願意採取可以改變該咒語的練習嗎? Or are you so self-critical that you've bought into the spell of the glamour magazines, of aspiring to the perfect body, knowing that you will never match it, lowering your self-regard in the process?還是您對自己如此挑剔,以至於沉迷於魅力雜誌的魅力中,渴望獲得完美的身材,卻知道自己將永遠無法與之匹敵,從而降低了自己的自尊心?

Maybe you tell yourself you're stupid.也許你告訴自己你很愚蠢。 Intelligence manifests in many different ways.情報以多種不同方式體現。 Your IQ may not be in the Mensa range, but you may have a highly sensitive, intuitive knowing.您的智商可能不在Mensa範圍內,但是您可能具有高度敏感的直覺知識。 Notice the people who you see as intelligent and recognize that they too have gaps in their wisdom.注意那些您所見為聰明的人,並意識到他們在智慧上也存在差距。

Our sense of wellbeing is a barometer as to whether our beliefs are serving us.我們的幸福感是衡量我們的信念是否為我們服務的晴雨表。 We know a spell has been broken when there is a release of energy and a sense of relief and happiness around a particular scenario.我們知道,在特定情況下釋放能量,放鬆和幸福感時,咒語就會被破壞。 Sometimes we may need to remove ourselves from unhealthy situations in the recognition that the essence of who we are doesn't match the environment we've created.有時,我們可能需要從不健康的情況中擺脫出來,認識到我們的本質與我們創造的環境不符。 Each lifetime has many incarnations, and as we go through our experiences, we get to rewrite the script.每個生命都有很多化身,隨著我們經歷的不斷發展,我們可以重寫腳本。

©2020 by Malcolm Stern和Ben Craib。 All Rights Reserved.版權所有。
經出版商Watkins許可摘錄,
Watkins Media Limited的印記。 www.WatkinsPublishing.com

文章來源

用同情心殺死你的龍:即使不可能,也可以十大成功之道
馬爾科姆·斯特恩(Malcolm Stern)和本·克賴布(Ben Craib)

用同情心殺死您的龍:即使在馬爾科姆·斯特恩(Malcolm Stern)和本·克賴布(Ben Craib)認為不可能的情況下,也能成功發展的十種方法著名的治療師馬爾科姆·斯特恩(Malcolm Stern)的十項重要教導。 這本書包括許多練習,是對治療室三十多年經驗的總結,向我們展示了即使在最嚴重的悲劇中,意義也可以存在。 通過創建一套實踐並將它們置於我們生活的中心,我們可以找到激情,目標和有意義的幸福,同時在生活中最黑暗的時刻進行導航,以發現隱藏在其中的黃金。

欲了解更多信息或訂購此書, 點擊這裡.. (也可以作為Kindle版本和有聲讀物使用。)

本作者的另一本書: 相愛,相愛

關於作者

馬爾科姆·斯特恩(Malcolm Stern),《同伴殺死你的龍》馬爾科姆·斯特恩(Malcolm Stern)已作為小組和個人心理治療師工作了近30年。 他是倫敦聖詹姆斯教堂(St James's Church)的另類共同創始人和聯合導演,並在國際範圍內教授和管理團體。 他的方法包括找到內心的所在,並幫助個人了解自己的真相。 他的 倫敦一年組 是他工作的核心,自1990年以來一直成功運作。在其中,他創造了一個信任,誠信和社區的環境,參與者可以在此過程中熟練掌握人際關係,溝通和處理困難的對話。 最終的學習是用同情心殺死你的龍。 訪問他的網站: MalcolmStern.com/ 

視頻/演示 馬爾科姆·斯特恩“我們正處在進化非凡時期的十字路口……”

支持一份好工作!
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